http://idareyu.tumblr.com/

I know my blog is no longer fun to read, not that it has been very addictive. But I guess blogs now are meant for publicity. There's so much things that were left unsaid. So many trails left undiscovered. So many desires left unfulfilled. And so much words left unspoken. Like this one right here:

Yay to wireless. Haha. Today, 18th of July well technicallly yesterday was the birthday of the Queen of my heart. So one last wish for you Ibu, Happy happy birthday. I hope you love what we girls did for you.

I am gonna make the most awesome-st scrapbook ever. It'll be my number one baby. Oh uhm, maybe not. Well, in my queue of number-one-babies.

Yours.

Yes, move forwards. Amend, adjust. Life isn't forever. Forget about the past if you can't erase them. Yes I am glad to be able to say hi again to them. Grandad, if you were here, you'd be so proud of me.

Yours.

If only dreams come true. If only.... Serious, you know. It's already so perfect. Perfect height, perfect setting. Wow.

Yours.

You know that feeling, when you wake up feeling too good. The sun is shining, the skies are too blue. Your mind's refreshed and you even smile. Just when you thought you're feeling good, teeny tiny memories rain on you. An they aren't pretty at all. Makes you shut down.

When everything else in the world tells you to jump for it. Tells you to take the risk, take the plunge. They tell you that everyone fears rejection, it’s just a matter of how much you’re willing to stand until you take that dive. They tell you to love and everything will be better in the world. The sun will shine. They tell you that love conquers all. That love doesn't hurt. Love is beautiful. Love is for all. Everyone is cut out for love. They say there's always someone out there for you.

What they failed to tell you is that; it brings you high before it thumps you down to the ground.

I've seen people in high low places. How they were took in by love and how they were through love. It sure was pretty at first but it turned sour along the way. Not everyone is cut out for love between a boy and a girl. Some people may not be cut out for love in that aspect. But love between a mother and a daughter? Father and son? A homeless guy and passion? Yes, for whatever you lack, you make up for it.

Yours.

There's so much that I can give. So much I am willing to give. But something always gets in the way. I would be the best, but some things won't let me. They either turn against me or they outright bunk straight in my face. There's so much things to hate for. When I grow older, start to grow my own money, I'd go for fighting classes. Because then, I'd imagine all those urchins- who slowly shaved bits and pieces of me till there was none of me left, on the faces of that punching bag and I'd beat the crap out of them. There's so much vulgarities going on in my head. It's almost like a rhythm. I am a teenager. I get mad. I get moody. So what? There's a lot to be under the cloud for. They say, a physical wound can be healed by applying iodine. But a wound in heart has no cure. Yeah, as bad as my language sounds right here. I don't care. I've got a thousand ways in my mind on how to kill a person. Believe me, I could write a book on it. A thousand ways to kill a person. But worth going to jail for? Well in my case, a juve. So nope, not worth my time nor my brain juices. Why these people exist anyway. Is it much fun? To do those things you do? Let me give it a go, see how you like it.

But you see, there's a difference. I haven't got the heart to do that. I'm human, as much evil as I am. Oh, I can be so evil. But nope, they will only stay in mind. I can't do it. I can't say it. As for some cases, I have the upper hand. True that, I have the upper hand. But I am not one who sabotages. That's not being optimistic, now is it? but I am raised equipped with morals. So I am not going to give that away. But if I shut my eyes, in tranquility, I believe I can rise above. Even after the millionth stand-up. I know I can do better. But all I'm really asking at the end of the day is, why?

Yours.

I'd be the girl who waits up on you.

I'd be the one who lets you have your guys' nights out with no fuss.

I'd be the girl who will always wait for your call but when you don't, I won't make a big deal out of it.

I'd be the one who'll have millions of butterflies in her tummy whenever I see your name on my cell.

I'd be the one who'd hug you from behind when you are busy doing your assignments just to let you know I'm always there for you.

I'd be the girl who writes stupid love notes and give them to you.

I'd be the girl who'd say the sweetest thing that eventually sound corny just to make you smile.

I'd be the one who'd break half of my sweet just to share with you.

I'd be the one to kiss your forehead when you're down when you're worrying about your mum who fell sick.

I'd be the one who takes ages to get ready for our dates and when I'm ready, you'll say I was worth the wait.

I'd be the one who'd laugh with you when it's a sad day.

I'd be the one who'd hesitate to say The Words and in the end said it because I think you're worth it.

I'd be the one who'd take long night strolls with you, arm in arm.

I'd be the one who teaches you to free your heart and soul.

I'd be the one who'd say "Who's ass am I kicking, baby?" the minute you go to me looking sad or pissed.

I'd be the one who gives you smile aches.

I'd be the one who'd lie on you and watch Little Rascals on my cell.

I'd be the one who'd see things in you that others don't.

I'd be the one to compliment you and make you blush real mad.

I'd be the one singing cute stupid love songs while lying on your lap.

I'd be the girl who watches stars with you at night and falls asleep on your chest.

I'd be the one who winks at you and make you blush.

I'd be the one who'd blush just watching you smile at me.

I'd be the one who'd jump with you across the parapet under the blocks, pretending to cross a hurdle.

I'd be the one who you'd take out for dinner.

I'd be the one who'd look into your eyes and smile at your inner inhibition.

I'd be the one who'd sing Chris Brown's love songs to you even though my voice suck.

I'd be the one who calls you up just to say The Words.

I'd be the girl who'd appear indestructible and even say, "I'm gonna kick your ass if you ever break my heart" but never got around to doing it.

I'd be the girl with hair that makes you go loco.

I'd be the girl who wears your choker like an amulet around her neck.

I'd be the girl who'd get married with you on a silly post it and make rings out of paper.

I'd be the one who'd sit with you at a favourite spot and imagine with you our make-believe home.

Yours.

Thanks b. You're wonderful. I read the post. It was heartfelt. You know you're awesome, Najah babe. You make me feel like writing love notes for all again! Haha. I received 5 hearts from F arah A bdul. Oh, what fun!

Yours.

Yeah, do that.

Yours.

Hang in there, Amalina. Babe, I'll hold your hand, intertwine yours and mine.
Same boat, same cabin.

Yours.

Yours.

Nina has been making me sing Hey Ladies- Rossa, Fighter- Christina Aguilera and all that. Funny really. So Herf has set a date next year, 2nd of July for her wedding day. Boy, am I excited. I am appointed as her wedding planner #2 / organiser. I am in charge on that day to tick off loads of boxes, just like an events manager. It'll be really cool. I can't wait. So anyway, yesterday was bro's 1st year anniversary with his wife. Gosh, time moves on really fast! I wish them all the best.

Yours.

The art of forgetting people. It isn't as easy as going to school. Going to school is easy. Dealing with school isn't. Forgetting people is like a course set for a duration of time. Where you have to go through it whether you like it or not. It is draining, it's like a bonded contract. Once you fall, be prepared to hit the pit stop sometime soon and when you land, you so gotta go through this course. No matter how many times you have taken this course, too bad bonita, you gotta go again. It definitely isn't easy. It's like dejavu. You feel the familiarity but different and contrary. At the end of the course, you are awarded with an arm. A metal shield that protects your jelly anatomy. Just like a vaccination. Third world countries would die for vaccine but I don't know about this type of vaccine.

Yours.

Someone told me this.

"Live today like you're going to live forever.
Pray today like you're going to die tomorrow."

Yours.

Again, I am met with disappointment. Another mistake made. Another episode. Yes, when you are inflicted more than once, you tend to get immunized a little and slowly when it happens, you learn to numb yourself. Yes, we all make stupid mistakes everyday. At least we get a chance to learn from it and not to repeat it. Just like The O's. When you do badly this time, you get a chance to prove yourself before the actual October.

I wish I could face God tonight, I really need him. But too bad I can't.

Yours.

Looking at the situation we all have,

I might just be gay

ha-crapping-ha :D

Yours.

I remember when I was younger, Nina and I were really close. We would sleep together on a mattress at night. I remember each time when I couldn't sleep, I'd quietly wake her up and pleaded her to tell me stories. It was because I wa afraid monsters would eat me up if I stay up alone. Nina was never pissed off of having her sleep disturbed. She would lie down with me closer to my side and tell her lovely stories. About school too, sometimes. There was once when she was really tired and I woke her up. Instead of being cheesed off, she told me to close my eyes and tell me it'll be alright and that I'd fall asleep eventually. She didn't tell me any stories but I did fell asleep eventually.

Yours.

Yours.

Sometimes you are tied down by things. You can't step up, sometimes you can't step down. You will feel like the audience in your own hidden agenda. With the ultimate sense of being ultimately helpless. You can do nothing. It questions your prowess. Being in this world, in this family, opens a sight to my eyes. Sometimes you do step up. But when somethings clicks, and it makes you take two steps back. It's just like an egg. It has a secret inside. You are forever haunted by two possibilities if you won't crack it open. You won't know if the egg inside is hard-boiled or otherwise. Sometimes we're caught in the act. Caught in hypocrisy. Caught in between.

So this is the challenge God beset upon us. To spread his word and his teachings. But we are often drowned in our little mishaps everyday. It is already a challenge for us to remind ourselves of his word, put aside spreading it. We are cornered by our expectations and it seems like such a waste and all that. But you gotta remember, if quitting now is already hard, let alone tomorrow, the year after, the decade after. If you need to nip it in the bud, do so now. Rather than later. Yes, it is tough. Watching unsettled arguments and troubles rise around you. But you can do nothing except to take it all in. The scenery, the horrifying states, take it in. Breathe it in and shut your eyes close. Will it to go away.

Yours.

I'm a ball of emotions. I am braced. Pull the right string, I'll unfurl the right way. I'm a teenager that constantly change. I embrace change. For the better, that is. But when bad changes happen, I can do nothing about it. So I make the best out of it. All my ever changing emotions, congregate together tightly into one emotion ball. Watching kites across the skies makes me happy. Death of cats makes me mournful. Fights makes me sad. Troubles makes me stoic. Watching Passion of The Christ makes me feel horrible. Singing to kids makes me feel ecstatic. God makes me feel thankful. I could go run past the fields in the morning to wake the beautiful grass. I would just sit down on the tracks to view the car lights moving on the highway and be contented. I would make people happy, if I could. Because being happy is priceless. It makes you smile. And smiles, gives off feel-good endorphins to give immediate boost to your mood. Too scientific? Just shut up and be happy :D

Yours.

Yours.

Mid-Years are still on going. Yeah I know, people will go like Mid Year kape... Haha, but yeah. Submitted DNT ongoing folio. Had up till Detail Development. Seriously, when I do get back after being assessed, I am going to be dead, revived and dead again. Precisely why I'm not an art student. But right now, it's like a blissful break from it because finally my hands stopped itching to grab the A3 paper and sketch up some productive things. Mainly because I ran out of A3s... And the other reason is, I totally leave all my ideas and to-dos within my folio. So enough about DNT.

Finished up watching Grey's Anatomy Season 6. Hmm, the ending wasn't all that intriguing. Like it doesn't really make me wanna catch the next season. But being me, I'm always thirsty for more Grey's Anat :) I don't like Lexie's blond hair :( She looks tad better being brunette. I think Mark was being stupid for letting her go for his Sloan. I like the part when Lexie said, " I think our relationship just ended." And gave him a kiss. Derek and Mer were just sweet together. In real life, I heard Mer is preggers. And that's why her role in Grey's Anat was light. And that she looks like she have put on tonnes of weight. And that also being the reason why Season 7 is taking a long time to be produced. I heard Izzie is quitting Grey's Anat too. She is also one of the most stupid people on Grey's Anat. How could she do Alex like that?! After all he did? Seriously. So anyway, currently, I have Passion Of The Christ in my sidekick right now, wow, it really does look painful being tortured like that. I haven't really finished it though. I have to keep reminding myself it's just acting and not real. So anyway speaking of which, I was watching The Descent 2 with the Zulkifli ladies at home the other day. It's a gooood movie yknow, both TD1 and TD2. So there was this part where this creature's blood was spewing out of its mouth into this girl's mouth. I was so fixated on the movie that I nearly took the scene literally and I was like Close your mouth, for God's sake! And guess what people, I actually drooled out. Imagining whatever was happening in the scene was actually happening to me. They had a great time laughing. At me. Hah.

I am also currently exploring music from Lil Crazed Kid and Kollaboration, both surfaced from youtube. They're wonderful. I've finally had chance to read books again! Boy, it's been long. Writing, I haven't been able to catch up much on that. But I did some writing whenever I'm free.
I'm on application frenzy for my sidekick too. Mobile9, we're best friends.

Wow, this entry is really long and life-detailed. If there's such expressions, that is. Haha. We all need a good laugh once in a while don't we. So here, one last.

I asked for strength,
And God gave me difficulties to make me strong;

I asked for wisdom,
And God gave me problems to learn to solve;

I asked for prosperity,
And God gave me brain and brawn to work;

I asked for courage,
And God gave me dangers to overcome;

I asked for love,
And God gave me people to help;

I asked for favors,
And God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted – I received everything I needed.
My prayer has been answered!

And then here comes a series of questions. It's like my very own Research Outline in my head.
Can I do this? Can I try? Will I be able to smile? Will it make me smile? Will I break apart? Will I be happier? Should I go for it? Should I quit? What happens after it? What happens if I quit now? What goes beyond mind?

And here comes research.

Yours.

This is a cover of cater 2 you, by Destiny Child. Cover by my fave Youtube artist, really really is beautiful. Cair, beb. Haha.

Yours.

There comes a time when you wake up one morning and you lazily get out of bed. Pulling away from last night's dreams, back to reality. You'd shiver as the cold water embraces your skin. Then you make your way to pray to God. Where you'd give thanks for waking you up that morning, knowing that He has the power to take you away. You'd look up to him, even though you can't see him. You feel his presence in your life. You are so thankful that you feel unworthy of his love. Everyday, you are haunted by your sins. So much so that you sometimes feel so ashamed to look up to him. So you knelt down and you hung your head in shame. You wished you could rewind the time to make things right. That's when his strength, love and care come flying down to your lowest level and bathe you with warmth. It gives you a sense of joy and reassurance. The presence, it's overwhelming.

Yours.

Maybe it was because of the rain that sashayed down the buildings. I feel the music rumbling its way through my skin and blood. Hear the words that I'm not saying. Feel the emotions that I'm not emoting. Admit the things that I emit. Own the rocks that I omit. Yes, skeptical, quite true. But see it in the eyes of an invader, you'll know why, See me for me, baby. Don't just see through me. Look at me, see me. Ultimatums are just officials. It's the unofficial that we scurry for. Death certificates are just black and white. But death itself, it's just black. Or white. Let them ashes burn. Let them wind dance. Before I dance on your last nerve. I'd blind you with my sacrificial superficial loss. Negligence, it is but a powerful tool.

Yours.

So English paper was awesome just now, except that I missed a few crap. Dang. Paper 1's 2 hours was fully utilised. Not enough time really. And Paper 2 was casual, had enough time. Enough time to also pen down somethings that was in my head. Here goes the three posts up top.

Anyway, I was walking home just then and it was drizzling pretty badly. The cleaner lady of my block took the same lift as mine. She told me somethings and I could've sworn, her words brought warmth even though it was 2 degrees out there. Instantaneously after saying bye, I prayed for her. It's good to know precious gems are still living in our community.

Yours.

"Hang in there with school okay, baby sis."

-Abang's text.

Yours.

What we bring to the table each and everyday is the emotional baggage we carry in our little neat looking Pradas. I'm giving it a while. Just a while more.

Yours.

So what would you do if it isn't enough? It isn't enough to go about and roll up on it. Maybe if you could move the mountain, you'd see the view but would you remember the sacrifice? I find it funny about facebook's status thing, where you tick either you're single, in a relationship or something. Girlfriend is just a label, love isn't. When a red heart flashes on someone else's page, we'd comment congrats or something. But let's say a month later another update pops up, someone is no longer in a relationship. So mmm, whatcha say? I'm sorry-though-you-two-looked-perfect-together? Funny ain't it. The heartbroken would only zoom in the word 'looked' that seemingly focuses on the 'ed' at the back of it. We do stupid mistakes everyday. We get hurt everyday. And we smile each day. We fall in love everyday. Once again when you are stuck in a situation, say your grace and read your need.

So Saturday meet up was awesome. Love love love it. And I saw an old friend. It was funny in a way though.

"I was looking at this hot person in front of me. He was so hot and I wonder how he got to that. I just got to look at him. But I grew tired. And so I put the mirror away."

*in-joke* OMG, right? Haha!

Yours.

And so I walked down this place, a big box in my hands. In it has many things that can't occupy space but it could occupy me. There are about 7 things under fear and many countless things under smile. The box, I colored it bright and attractive. But I didn't wanna attract people because they'd steal this precious box. I taped it with a grey tape. I don't know why. I wanna try to hide it by hurling it across the seas but it will float. I'd really hate it if the contents were discovered. So I put it in my bag and color it black. I hunched my shoulders and put on a big hoodie and slumped my way across. And then I bumped into a pole and the pole stared at me with its sullen eyes. I gave a nod of sympathy and walked away. And when I got to the rustic side of the journey, I stumbled upon something. It has the same box as mine.

Yours.

Chicago at Esplanade was awesome just now! But sadly I missed Baby Ikah's 6th celebration :( Wah, sad actually. This will be the first time I actually missed my baby's celebration. Will make it up tomorrow. Yeahuh, lunch date with Ina tomorrow too.
So yeah, the musical was awesome. A lot of wish-you-were-there-s :)

School has been fun and awesome and tiring ans kicking-sore-bottoms. I've not much time for everything but it's fun in a way. Haven't much time for writing too in fact.

Yours.

It's like a sudden change of era that we can't comprehend. Up till now.
Usually when I see an orange, I'd just take the understanding for granted. It's there, so what huh. I remember the passing by of bike beside me. Zwoomph. Well, not that fast but enough to notice. I saw the smile stuck to the faces from different phases. And now I open my eyes, to God and to the world. And I've never felt greater. My gratitude to almighty.

The blase works in sync with the rhythmical yawns. It's like a seance. A pretty neat seance.

Yours.

Been a looong time since i really typed.
School is ripping skin layers off our bottoms slowly. Yeah, that pain in the bottom.
But it's worth it.
It always is :D (hehe)

Yours.

You're a nobody till someone decides to make you their somebody.

Yours.

I am so really addicted to fuckyeahhlove.tumblr.com

All them sweet, disgusting love bulls. They're just so awesome.

Yours.

Life isn't always about pain and torture.
If you would, you could take a step to somewhere you don't know it exist. You justify the priority and you learn to bond. No matter how contradicting I may sound. You need to take someone for a walk and you will see the existing happiness that you procrastinate to let out. Happiness- or maybe happyness- is everywhere. All in the high and low places. Where we never knew existed. Sometimes when you decided to push back your fear and jump into the big ocean, you find placidity amongst the calamity.

Yours.

Today morning there was a rainbow painted across the sky.
You know what?
You guessed it.
I made a wish.

:)

Yours.

Stop it, you giving me diabetes.

Yours.

Pastor talked about Good Friday this morning. He talked about giving and receiving too.
Here's some me-thinks.

Ya know what they say, give and you shall receive.
It's true. Think about it. If everyone expects to receive, no one would give. But if everyone expects to give, then everyone will receive endlessly. It's a chain reaction kind of thing.

Yours.

Getaway this weekends.
omgomgomg.

Yours.

At the right time, at the right moment, saying it feels good.

Yours.

Kollaboration rocks. Omg.

Yours.

Oh ya oh ya.

I.can't.wait.for.good.friday.omg.omg.omg.

Yours.

Though I've never seen you both, but I miss you. I heard you are a wonderful person. I heard you are a loving father. If God gave me a chance, I'll wanna meet you. I wanna tell you that I love you. I wanna whine at you. I wanna take you out for long walks. I wanna take you out to eat breakfast on a Sunday morning. I would love you. I'm always thinking of you both from time to time. I see my friends, they have someone who'd pamper them. Someone who'd buy ice creams for them. Someone they live with at home. I wish I had that. I miss you. It's a pity I wasn't there to see you for the last time, heck, I've never even seen you in my life. If you were here, it would have been greater and better. Both nenek(s) won't be so lonely.

God rest their souls, late grandpa(s).

Yours.

Me: (singing to Farah) Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess. It's a love story, baby just say..
Farah: There's a test today?!

Right then and there, it was epic.

Yours.

I asked my mummy when was the first time she fell in love.
She told me maybe it was when she was 12. They had never told each other but they knew it themselves.
I asked her how many times has she fallen in love.
She told me maybe twice. And she has never felt like that before.
I asked her is it true that sex with love is much more meaningful than sex for fun?
She said definitely.
And then i asked her how was it giving birth to my first sis.
She told me she cried because she has never felt this love for someone, ever.
I asked her, what does she live by now.
She told me love and hope. Always hope to love and love to hope.

Yours.

It's nothing like hanging out together and play cards and imagine home. No longer a definitely maybe. It's a maybe, definitely. All the happiest words in the world all rolled up into one. Right, that is it. Go on smiling, though the moon didn't appear tonight, nor did the stars. Because the perfect joy is where you decide to put your heart at. Just ignore the fear, you'll be fine. I think everyone should gamble a bit and follow your horoscope once in awhile. I did.

45683968 Call me. HAHA.

Yours.

Have you ever thought about those people in your dreams at night?
You have never seen them in real life but you dream about them. Have you ever thought that they might actually exist in real life? Has it ever crossed your mind that they are possibly the things that you crave for?
Yours.

Yours.

I'm your princess.

Yours.

Girl, there's a difference between you and me.
You care about the picture,
I care about the collage.

Yours.

Yours.

Adam Rodriguez, are you hot or are you hot?

Yours.

What's up with beliefs?
Why do people believe in beliefs?
Why don't they question?

Yours.

Something I wrote for 'If I die tonight-Too Phat.'


Yours.

Russell Peters just made my day.

Yours.

I believe in wishes upon a moon.
A cat's death makes me mournful.
I believe in magic of sunrises.
I believe in God.
My eccentricity could kill sometimes.
I believe I could be a good family member.
I believe I have so much love to give.
I believe that things happen for a reason.
I believe our paths crossed only because God wants so.
I take long night walks.
I love strolls.
I eat hash browns with butter.
I kiss on foreheads.
I do not believe in grudging.
I am affectionate.
My heart and soul is iron-gated.
I believe that the three words are commitment.
I take risks.
Dashing across the street and not get killed is a risk game.
I day dream a lot.
I believe world is a place where you can laugh your heart out.
Sometimes when I listen to corny love songs, I imagine.

It's funny because it seems that you seem to share them with me.

Yours.

It's ridiculous. But I'm hoping.
It's a fantasy gone wrong. But I'm missing.
Blame it on the silent inhibitions.
Or maybe the holocaust before that made me loco.
I guessed the only thing that made your heart beat at an advanced-aerobics-class was that you started to hope.
It gave you the same sinking feeling.
You made a right choice of not committing.
I'm gonna tell you that next time Mr Gut says don't, he meant don't.

Yours.

She looked at him, conveying a secret enunciation. She opened the palm of her hand to him. With a smile, he proved the existence of telepathy and held her hand. And they sat, together hand in hand.

Yours.

Yours with love,
Idayu.

It's crazy, totally crazy.
In a cookies-and-cream-ice-cream-cake-coated-with-whip-cream-and-sprinkles-of-Hershey-chocolate-powder kind of crazy.

Yours.

It's Friday.
I'm asked to go home by my girls straight after school.
One of my girlfriends accompanied me home and said she need to rush off to home.
But I saw her went off the other direction when I reached my home corridor. (HAHA.)
The other girlfriend is at school having lesson and said she'll be dropping by my home to watch Silent Hill with me.
This is so sudden because senior year allows us no time to hang out at my home like we used to.
She told me to wait for a call.
My closest mates have been whispering and sneaking behind my back.
My girlfriend who is having lesson now passed me a disc at school just now.
I am tempted to play it now on my computer.
But I was told not to open it until later at night.
And so now, I am waiting for the big sweet stuff.
I looove surprises.

HAHAAHA.

Yours.